Irrational
The summer before third grade, my parents enrolled me in some math camp where I learned long division and decimals. When the school year started, the teacher gave us a test, in which one of the questions was long division and asked us to find the remainder. Of course young me was determined to be the first one to finish the test. And when I looked at this question, I kept dividing until I was 10 decimals deep. And then I had no idea what to do. I got the question wrong. Apparently it was a lot easier than I thought it was. I wonder now if this is what’s happening when I think about life.
I’ve come around to thinking that maybe life is simpler than I make it out to be. I get these feelings, these notions, these crises, and more often than not I find myself dividing through thoughts that never end and never repeat. Irrational. Roll credits. Haha get it. Yeah nice one. And I know there’s never really a question to answer, but I get stuck and just keep going. And I’m realizing that maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe it’s all easier than I think. Maybe I’m doing it all to myself. Maybe I don’t need to.
This past week has been busy. And as annoyed as I am with all that I have to get done, I feel at my peak. I wake up early. I go to the office. I grind through the never-ending list of to dos. I go home. I run. I eat. I study. I sleep. I am at my best right now. I don’t want that to change. Yesterday was definitely one of my least productive days when it comes to work. And I thought it would annoy me but it surprisingly didn’t. I got dinner with friends at Barn Joo, which was a weird fusion but not fusion Korean menu with truffle fries and fried rice with cheese. But the food was pretty good, and it was decked out like Party City in honor of spooky season. I think without the cobwebs and caution tape, the place would’ve been rather chic.
After dinner, I went on a date at Moxy, the ready rootftop. I didn’t want it to be date I just missed the music world. But I guess it went well? It did you’re just being defensive. I don’t have time for this. I need to study. I need to pass this test. Honestly, the only reason I’m writing about this now is because I can’t focus on financial statements and I need to get it out of my head. I thought my brain would reroute after not thinking about boys for a while. And it did work. But my brain likes its treats and I need it to chill the fuck out so I can study.
I know in a few weeks after it hasn’t worked out, I’ll come back to this post and delete these paragraphs. I also know that I shouldn’t. So maybe this is a little practice for me. To not erase everything that doesn’t work out. To remember everything just because it happened, not because it makes me feel better. My mother says to be wary because he’s French. And also because he’s a musician. Of course it’s the two main reasons why I even decided to show up to the date that she has an issue with. His accent tho. So what did we even talk about? What are all of the things I now know about him that I’ll have no use for in a few weeks? Well his father’s French, and his mother’s German and an art historian. He has two older half brothers because “French people, you know?” and they all have different mothers. When he was 15 he came to New York to audition for Juilliard pre-college because he was dating a violinist at the time who was also auditioning and he wanted to follow her. He got in. She didn’t. She went to MSM and a few months later they broke up. I love this story. He plays with Ms. Tanaka, he plays at nightclubs, he hates new music, he took salsa classes for three years. You better go dancing with him. He bikes and plays soccer and loves teaching. He also used to run a lot. You better go running with him. He doesn’t like museums because he hates having to stand and walk around to see everything. And also maybe his mother traumatized him? Ha fucking classic. He really, really, really loves music.
I was supposed to catch up with my friends after the date. But after three hours, I missed out. And I kind of feel awful about it. Because I promised myself boys wouldn’t come before friends. So this isn’t going to happen again. Yes it will. I mean if I’m being realistic, it probably will, but I’ll be much better about it. And honestly I think my friends would like him. He and Fairy would really vibe. At some point I need to respond to him. He did lean in and we did a little peck of a kiss. Just in case I decide to wipe that from my memory too.
Well now that that’s done with. Personal progress wise, I’ve stopped beating myself over things. I’m busy and that’s fine. When I finish things its a win. When I choose to spend an hour writing this, it’s not a waste. I look in the mirror and I like who I see. My body is back to normal now and I’m catching up with my friends. I wear my retainers, put in my contacts. Oh and I have to help this hopeless girl with her college essay. Goddamnit. Another thing to add to the list. And oddly I don’t feel weighed down. I’ll do what I can today and the remainder can be saved for another day.
Notes 9:07pm same day:
You know what I liked about the guy? I liked that when we were listening to music and he was trying to sing along he came in early and said oh crap four more measures. I liked that he has a tuning app on his phone. Now that I’m attempting to narrow down what it is I want, I think I need a guy who’s done some kind of musical training. Not sure why but something about those things just makes me smile.