Cadence
So it seems that I’ll be doing this every week instead of every day. Which makes sense, given I don’t have as much to write about when life is mostly work and studying. More like attempting to start studying. The more grounded I am, the more I move towards prose rather than poetry. My words are selected with less care, because when I am not utterly unhinged, they carry significantly less weight. And having a schedule, going to the office, being around people and not confined to the corners of my own mind, I feel more grounded and extraordinarily plain. The strange thing about not having the constant drone of a TV show I’ve already watched playing in the background of every waking (and sometimes even sleeping) moment is that I’ve started to talk to myself. When Soot was here, he was telling me about how not everyone has an internal voice. Now it appears I have two.
I’m still struggling to understand the corporate world. I don’t know what to think of these people that work around me, with me. There was a moment in a call where the woman was talking about work, sustainability, what to do, and it was like her box on that screen was a painted sheet. And everything warped, the way you pull and twist a sheet from the middle, and her essence was being drawn out of her. She was not a person. Yes she is. None of these people are people. Of course they are. They talk about their children, how they spend their free time baking, and all the things they need to do for work. They seem to care so much. That in itself makes them people. And I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a person care. I can’t figure out a reason as to why I should care about this work. To keep your job? And even if I did, would it make me care?
I suppose I made new friends, though I’m not sure work friends count. There’s someone in the LatAm team that reminds me of Vlad, who was nice and helpful with figuring out my Python issues. And when we went to the zoo, I suppose I became friends with some of the people in my team. Did you know there was a zoo in Central Park? Nope. And I feel awful because it was supposed to be fun and interesting and all that comes to mind when I think about it are the mosquitos. And the branded tumbler our team won.
It’s easier to get up in the mornings for the office because it makes me feel like I have a purpose. Isn’t you just living supposed to be enough of a purpose? Apparently not. And even so, sometimes a purpose doesn’t seem to be enough. I’m supposed to be studying, but honestly I’ve gotten nothing done. I’m not sure where the time goes. Singing, TV, paralyzing stress, and being generally passive? That’s rude. But also true. My fixations are never productive. And they’re also so terribly transient. Remember when you were painting? I don’t want to anymore. I don’t have anything I want to make. Remember when you practiced? There’s nothing I want to play. Then what do you want? Idealistically, I want to be successful and loved and admired. I want to be proud of myself. I want to win the lottery. I want everything to work out. I want to not have to worry. Realistically though, I want to hide in the covers and disappear.
Yesterday I had a call with a recruiter. Cue career panic. I was suddenly wondering if I was doing what I want to do. This week that I spent coding was more fun to me than any of the stat pulls or emails I’ve sent in the last few weeks. I just felt this sense of accomplishment, the way I felt when I did manage to study for the CFA. I wondered if the job I have now has a good future. I wondered about the opportunity cost of staying. Of moving. I wondered where I would go, who I would be, what others would think. Of course this wasn’t that sudden. I know our division is paid less than the other ones at the company. Of course I have a lot of time on my hands, but maybe that’s not good for me. If I ever wanted to move to a more investing role, I suppose it would have to be sooner rather than later. Who knows if I’d even get the job. I feel like I have moments at a time, where things are settled, and there is a pause. I start to ignore the details, don’t get stuck in my head. And then something pulls me back, and I notice that everything is shifty. And in the movement, and in the cracks, uncertainty spills through. I question everything. When I think about this work future of mine, it’s never a conversation. She is probably as lost as I am.
Etymologically, I suppose I should call her Ana. I don’t know if I like that name. Well I’m sure a lot of my friends don’t like their names in here either. And I know this career panic is normal, and everyone always turns out just fine. But fine is never enough. Nothing is ever enough. I will never be enough. Stop it. Stop thinking you have to be everything all at once. I also think now that I’m probably not going to get married, I need to make enough to make me happy and to compensate. HA. You know what your friends will say to that so I’m not going to. But for the time being, nothing will convince me otherwise. And it’s probably the best for me because I did that thing again. That thing where I use the template of a real person I know almost nothing about and make something up. That thing where, instead of just focusing on the things I’m doing or avoid the things I should be doing, every day becomes a wait to hear from them. It’s pathetic. Yes. I’m pathetic. No. Okay.
I seem to always be all or nothing. My mother always said three things to me when I was growing up. First, that I needed to straighten my back. Second, that my uncontrollable anger only hurt myself. Third, that everything needs to be done in moderation. I learned the first one reasonably well. The second kind of disappeared when I started to get depressed and hasn’t come back. And oh man was I an angry kid. The last one I could never quite wrap my head around. When I feel nothing I am empty. And everything around me is empty. But I’ve never been just a little bit sad or a little bit happy. When things are going well I am ecstatic. I am on top of the fucking world and when I look in the mirror I am beautiful. Even a little bit of sadness is all-consuming. Everything in my mind falls apart, everything is broken, everything is ugly. When I am hungry, I will eat and I will not stop. When I am alone and the times that I feel the loneliness, my mind is in a chasm burrowing deeper and deeper. There is no one. There is nothing. You’re being ridiculous. I know that. You don’t think I know that? I’m fumbling around with this untidy language trying to figure out what’s going on in my mind. And it’s not working, not exactly. Didn’t work last time, isn’t working now. But I’m trying. I know.
I miss music. I miss the classical world. The people. The pieces. You miss being concertmaster. You miss feeling like you were important and belonged. Maybe thats why I made him more than he was. He reminded me of the community I used to be a part of. The person I used to be. To be honest, I don’t know how happy with myself I was back then. I’m sure there was a lot that was wrong. But I don’t remember anymore. And so I get to imagine that there used to be a version of me that was better and happier and alive. You know, in a year you might be thinking that about right now. I know. I hope I don’t though. Because it means either my memory has deteriorated or I’m worse off than I am now. You know there’s always going to be something. It’ll just be a different something. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be worse. It just means things have changed. You’ll have changed. Don’t you want to change? I don’t know anymore. Maybe I haven’t. Maybe I won’t. Maybe next week I’ll start playing violin again. Maybe the week after I’ll find something I want to paint. And then all of this stress and despair over who I am right now in this instant will fade into another memory I won’t remember. Save for this entry. Things don’t have to be always for them to matter. You know that right?
Notes 8:12pm
I am not hungry anymore? In the beginning of the week I consumed all sorts of chips and snacks that they had at work. Constantly. But these past few days I just, don’t feel that need anymore. I’m not sure why. I also started to count calories. Not sure if thats unhealthy but it’s what I’ve been doing. Not that it makes any difference or I have a limit. Just to know
Swear I’m not on any drugs, but the painting was moving today again.
There’s a birthday party I’m supposed to go tonight. I think also think my friends may have forgotten about me. I feel like I’m definitely growing apart from one of them. I don’t like this feeling. I also don’t want to see anyone tonight. Maybe that’s just a defense mechanism. But Fire showed up to mine. I know that’s all it takes. Isn’t that what they always say in shows, all a good parent needs to do is show up? Yeah, I definitely should not ever have kids.
I was talking to a family friend about jobs. He says I wouldn’t like the hours. He says I don’t want that. But I kind of do. Not because of the work, and maybe only a little because of the money. I think most of all it’ll give me a sense of belonging. And an excuse. “Why don’t you have more friends? Who else do you hang out with?” “Well I’m just always working. I just don’t have time” Wouldn’t that be nice.
It’s always funny when I write about having some stability. Because not four hours later it always disappears. But I guess it’ll come back again. I don’t have time to cry tonight. Maybe I’ll pray instead.