Frame
The gaps in writing grow wider and my thoughts become tamer. I drift slowly away from the warped poeticism I toiled through a month and a half ago. This new construction of mine is far more ordinary. The stability I once desperately prayed for built itself up in a corner of my mind that I never check. It captured the basics of living. It cut out the gory intrusions. And when at night I no longer feared the seconds of quiet darkness before sleep, I found the edge and crawled into the mind of another.
She is not lost in the threads of thoughts she cannot understand, woven so thick it is easy to sink and disappear. No, this one is the condensation on a cold cup, the gloss on a poster, the plastic around a wire. She is the layer of dust on an untouched shelf. The line from your finger when you brush it off. The speckle on the floor where she comes to rest. She is the mundane keeper of a schedule. The one who acts only because she should. Her emotions have the density of a buoy. She does not ask why.
And so I have very little to say. But the flip side is that simple is easy, albeit dull in comparison. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss the inspiration. The emotions that were so strong I became them. The importance and novelty of some of my thoughts. This version of consciousness I did not ask for and I do not recognize. But I figure I might as well enjoy it while I have it. Who knows when she’ll disappear. I tell myself that I cannot be everything. She tells me that’s okay. Everything is contained now. Her thoughts are shallow but clear. Her day is not a constant fight. And even then she says, so what if it is? She does not worry. She does not stress. She does not feel alone. It’s because you are not alone.
Today is my birthday. It is just another Sunday. Last night was more of the celebration. I ate dinner with my friends at Bocca and then karaoke at Den Social. Boss sent me cupcakes on Friday, most of which I gave away to the people in my building. Roe and Poutine got me the tallest cake I have ever seen, and it even had the little sprinkles and candy that came out from the middle when you cut into it. You’re so easily amused. It seemed like quite a success of a night. Everyone got along and it was so, so easy to just be. And of course it was. These are the people I choose to spend my time with, live my life with. Before She came along, I was terrified that people would never actively choose to spend time with me, to want to get to know me. I told myself that I would have to go back to school at some point because otherwise, how else could others be forced to get to know me? How else would they ever decide to like me? To be fair, most of the people at dinner are friends from school - the dinner that I almost canceled after spirals of indecision and insecurity. These people have seen me at my worst. Some of them didn’t have a choice. But they stuck around. They keep me in their lives anyway. Isn’t that what matters more?
On Friday I also ended up going for a walk with someone from Hinge. As we talked, I realized that this person could never understand the way that I think. He might as well have been an NPC. I’m 82% convinced that if you cracked his skull there just would not be anything there, and he wasn’t stupid. Is that mean? Who cares, it’s what you’re thinking. At one point months ago I would have been distraught. Knowing that I’ve interacted with someone, learned about their life, just for them to disappear. I felt guilty for not liking them, procrastinated texting them, then felt guilty for ghosting them. I wondered what they thought of me. I hoped it wasn’t bad, and also hoped it wasn’t good. Why do you care? But She has almost no feelings. Of course I do. I honestly wonder if She could even have a crush. The CFA is all the man you need. I do kind of miss my obsessions. Well you shouldn’t. I’m not sure if I want to call this progress. Yes it definitely is.
She is kind of a welcome change. She is the steel, the strength in my spine I thought had melted away. She tells me not to apologize. Or worry. Or cry. With her in my mind, the body I hated is no longer a body I need to try and control. It’s just a body. A side effect of the things I do and the way I live. The work that I dread starting is just another thing I can finish. The friends that I have are not people I might lose. They are just people I get to love. And in this crisp and simple world of hers, I do not think of all that is missing. I step through and see everything as it is. It is untainted. You are whole.